If you’re a redditor, you may have browsed a subreddit called DeadBedrooms. It’s a forum where those who are involved in sexless marriages can share their feelings, experiences, or ask for advice.
When my husband and I started dating, we were insatiable. 3x a day or more! Even as our relationship progressed through the first few years, we were always tearing each other’s clothes off. Sure, we cooled off a little because really, who can keep up 3x a day?!?! But we were still getting nekkid at least once every other day, sometimes daily.
Our relationship has always been one of closeness, hand-holding, cuddling, touching, kissing, and other non-bedroom physical behaviors. Taken together with our bedroom activities, our sex life has always been very, very satisfying for both of us.
Until the past few years.
I’ve gained a lot of weight. Whether the weight gain precipitated the depression or the depression led to the weight gain is up for debate. Regardless, I don’t much care for the looks of my body right now. I’m almost 50+ pounds from when we started dating. My husband also has gained weight since we married. He’s almost 100+ pounds. We’re both fat.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can tell you my own opinion, and it’s that fat sex sucks. I don’t like seeing myself naked, and I don’t find his body visually appealing anymore. Our bellies are always in the way. Also, we don’t have the stamina we once had, and neither of us are acrobats or gymnasts, so we’re limited in our movements and positioning. Sex has become a chore.
Take that problem, and couple it with my depression and disengagement, and my desire for sex is pretty much zero.
We haven’t had sex for almost 2 months, and before that, it was a month. Before that, it was probably 3 months. We go in fits and starts. We’ll have sexytime for like 2 days straight, and then nothing for 2 months. It’s either feast or famine. This has been a pattern for about 3 years now.
It’s not that my libido has totally disappeared. I still masturbate a few times a week, but I have to sneak and do it secretly so he doesn’t know. It’s not an invitation or signal for sex. I just need the release.
I used to get excited to give him surprise oral sex after work. I used to wear sexy panties or lingerie under my work clothes and send him alluring pics during the day. We used to enjoy exploring fantasies together. I have literally ripped his shirt off in my sexual desire for him. Now we don’t talk about anything related to sex. Thinking about having sex with him kind of repels me. Thinking about me having sex repels me. When we do have sex, I just kind of close my eyes and fantasize about something else. Intercourse itself is a bore, and I always hope he’ll go fast and be done.
Admitting all of that makes me feel like a shitty person.
My husband is a good man, and he’s always nice to me. He doesn’t deserve to be friend-zoned by his wife. We still hug and hold hands, but I do things like stay up late in order to avoid going to bed while he’s awake.
When I think about things from his point of view, I can’t understand why he doesn’t leave. I’m fat, gross, depressed, weak, unemployed, a fail parent, and a financial train wreck. I’m not an equal partner anymore. I feel like a useless, purposeless blob of nothing.
You always hear things like this:
It’s what’s on the inside that matters.
Inner beauty is more important than outer beauty.
You are not your condition.
You’re a good person going through a tough time.
You get the point.
But I’ve got this feeling creeping up on me that maybe I’m NOT a good person on the inside. Maybe my outside is finally manifesting what’s been on the inside all along? Actions speak louder than words, and you only get so many chances to apologize before the other person gets sick of forgiving the same behavior over and over again. I can’t understand how I haven’t used up all my chances yet.